And The Morning Light Was Breaking…


MorningMaybe I’m a mess.

I’m on the floor again. The sun rose, shining in sleepy eyes full of distorted ideals and dreams that turn to mist and fade in the stark brightness. Oh, those dreams. It seems all I have are dreams. I can still feel… I cling to dreams harder each night, but they always dissipate when the light touches them. Words spoken in all honesty hang solidly in the air and I know truth, as you see it. It’s there, on your face and I realize.. that’s what matters to me- this honest, humble truth in you. Of course, I could ask you to lie. I’ve resorted to that before, when I believed if I made you say it, it would be true. I could also pretend there isn’t anything here –  all or nothing is easy. It’s this honesty in between that’s difficult. There’s a heaviness in truth.

I carry it, because what else can I do?

Some truth is heavier than others. It echoes in my ears and I stare at the words that imply.. What? That if I knew how special I was I’d leave? That you aren’t going to try? That I should give up? I don’t ask, and you won’t know… how much I wish it were you. I wonder what’s wrong with me that it can’t be. I could give up. I could walk away. Find someone who gives what you say I should have.. but would there be truth? Would there be honesty? Empty words said by rote, actions because they are expected. I’ve been there. I’ve heard the hollowness, felt the coldness and didn’t care. Here there’s words spoken in earnest, affection shown with genuineness, even if it’s a struggle. So, I’ll keep fighting.

Because there’s nothing else I could want.

Santa Maria dell’Isola di Tropea




There’s No Balance Here.



 I walk a wire, stretched above an abyss. How often have I tried to cross? Seems like a thousand times. Steady.  Block everything and everyone out; except what lies ahead. I see you there, before me always. I take a step. There’s a shaking and gasps, but I steady myself and move forward, deliberately. My gaze locked on eyes I’d know anywhere – I see them in my dreams. A step… and another. Determination. I watch lips – speaking words I almost believe. A step, steadfast, forward. I watch you standing there – are you waiting for me? I love the light in your eyes, reflecting the brightness that nearly envelopes us. The softness in your glance that stands out in stark contrast against darkness.  Could there be anything else but this? Should I long for… wish for…

No. Keep your head, stay focused.

A slip. I crouch down, struggling against invisible forces for balance that’s escaping me. My eyes glance towards the ground and vertigo stretches the distance endlessly. “Don’t look down.” The sound of your voice – pulling my eyes back up. The look on your face – holding me in place. My muscles tense in desperation, aching… how can I possibly…. Murmurs, from all around, my body shaking; but “Don’t look down.” Your nod, ever so slight – a simple gesture that gives me purpose. A smile that puts strength back in my limbs.  Slowly, with baited breath, I rise and again find…. Balance. Then, finally, move forward. You’re so far away. A tremor through the wire. My arms outstretched – reaching for yours.  So far, my love. Then – a sway.. a terrible convulsing and I hurl myself forward. Don’t look down…

Will you catch me when I fall?


A Fade Out (Of Belonging) Part 2


I belong to dreams.

I’ve been forced away. Escaping… something I cannot see… but feel. Running blindly from the light into dimness. A fog rises and envelopes me; still I run. Shapes.. distorted and unfocused, then becoming clearer.. Trees; looming up out of the thick mist. Finally my steps slow, the only sounds my own breathing and silence… almost as oppressive as the noise I fled.

A forest of dreams; each branch a different path, each leaf a thought.

I place my hand on the nearest trunk, my skin pale and smooth against it’s rough, dark bark. I can feel the sap pulsing, this is something more than a plant. It grows stronger, feeding on everything you pour into it. What you feed the dream. The fog swirls as I tiptoe through the trees, stepping gingerly, as every movement crashes in my ears. Branches swing my way, listening, leaves shiver where there is no wind, watching. I touch them gently and they caress back, marking my skin. Black lines on white flesh. Swirls and stars, faces and planets, names and nonsensical designs…

Dreams soak through your skin.

Do I spend eternity here? Waiting? Is this where I was meant to wander? Are my words here, hanging like fruit, just waiting to be picked? And you… do I find you in the mists of  forests, in the vast oceans, or in the wastelands these dreams become? Do I find you anywhere real? There’s a.. desperation in dreams.. I always know when it’s coming. When I reach up for a kiss and I know you’ll turn away. When we’re living the past and wishing.. maybe it’d be different THIS time. And then the present skips into the future and you’re swallowed by fog.

There’s some dreams where no one can follow.

But then, a whisper. It comes rushing through the branches, rustling the leaves. The whole forest… shifts. The trees move in response to a barely heard voice… after the all the screaming and the loudness of silence, a whispered word changes the world. The fog thickens and the trees begin to fade into darkness.. appearing skeletal and stretched. The voice strengthens; it’s yours, and I hear a name. My own. It seems to come from every direction, and I spin in place, searching. Then clearly, from right behind, I hear you speak my name and I freeze at the softness of the sound. I begin to turn and…

Only a dream.

I belong to dreams, but that doesn’t mean I don’t exist.



A Fade In (Of Belonging) part 1


I belong to dreams.

There’s this wasteland I’m traveling. The dirt is heavy, rocky and dry. A wind picks it up and flings it in my face, but there isn’t anything to feel. Nothing fills the landscape and a sky looms darkly, menacingly; I cringe as if it could swallow me… I am exposed. It’s darker than it should be and the light I follow seems wan. We’re both strained and exhausted. A signpost to my right appears out of thin air, but I can’t read the direction you’re telling me to go.

Dreams are made to wander.

A sound.. slight and thin, as if over distance, a crashing.. a calling. My destination. I struggle over the dunes and the dirt becomes sand. Softer, finer… perfect. The wind picks up a familiar scent, my breathing becomes labored but joyful. I charge over the top and come to the very edge of being. It’s bright, almost to bright after the dismal wasteland. but it’s glorious. And as my eyes adjust.. I can almost see forever.

In dreams forever is only a moment.

I walk along this lovely, lonely place, complete. I dare not touch the water, despite the desire I’ve carried this long. So, I stare.. taking photographs with my heart…. of water lapping against pilings, breakers crashing on rocks or lapping at the shore, making rivulets of saltwater and foam in the sand. How long I wander there, teetering on the edge… I do not know. Long enough to know… everything. Finally, with a courageous smile, I step forward, hand outstretched and a desire FEEL welling up…

It’s never easy, even in dreams.

An invasion… Noise. So loud it must tear this world apart. An explosion of sounds so terrible I can’t bear it. I press my hands over my ears, but it’s not enough. The loudness is the very air, unseen and inescapable. I’m squeezed in from all sides, I can’t see you anymore, I can’t see anything. The pressure. Soon I won’t be able to move. I turn and flee.

I. Can’t. Hear. You.

Blue Water Cove Nude Beach


Close, but not touching.


“Why? Do you want to?”

 I want so much. I want to live the dreams. I want to know everything. I want to say everything that weighs down this life. I want to find you and never let go. I want to find myself in hearts, minds, dreams… I want so much, but not what you asked, I hope never to want that. Even if you decide you do.

 I’ll still be the same, frozen here

 There’s something about a touch that leaves imprints. It’s in the way you are, the way our existence is driven. I live for a touch, and it’s so close… I can see it. Almost there. A little further… and then… Behind glass or on the other side of galaxies, it makes little difference.

I’ll follow.

I have to watch him


“When he moves I watch him from behind,
he turns and laughter flickers in his eyes.
Intent and direct when he speaks, I watch his lips”

I see music. Pure silver notes. I wonder if he knows that everything disappears and I see nothing else.

“If planets collide I won’t mind..  I’ll be fine.”

Clinging to quiet words, so infrequent. I worry that I am.. not.. as special as I thought I was. No, I know it. I’m not embedded in this life of his unlike him in mine. He silently holds me close and I watch him. He smiles at me and I search his face for more. Pressure… I promise him I won’t, even as I long for.. everything. I try so hard to be something he finds comfort in, make a place he finds.. relief.. but I cannot. Still, there’s something in his silence… and I’m watching for it.

“‘Cause I am hanging on every word you say,
and even if you don’t want to speak tonight,
that’s alright, alright with me”

I say things, he wonders why.. and I can’t explain. Can you put into words how you feel? Words seem so pale when this life is brightened because he’s in it. Words are empty when the quietness hurts, and you know he.. just.. can’t.. and you’re standing at the walls feeling lost. What can you say when you consider which ache is the better? I’m not sure.. Is there even a choice? All I can do is watch him. I have to watch him. In silence.

“And the question here is: Do I make you smile?”

You’re so quiet, quiet to me

Do you dream?


Sure, I have dreams.

The images do not have words. Descriptions fail them. They fade in and out, the colors pale, washed out. Purples and greens and pinks. The faded memory of a memory of a dream. What COULD be? What SHOULD have been? Dreams of the past, which never were. Dreams of now, which should be. Dreams of the future, which could be. More than they seem… becoming less about myself and more about you. I see you there. With me? I hope.

 I still feel I’m going to wake up. Somewhere, a phone is ringing.

This one, she’s found, but she’s… what? Sad? Sometimes. Lonely? Sometimes. Happy? Quite. There’s some bitterness to the sweet, it’s in the walls I pace so diligently. I’m struck by the irony. It’s laughable if nothing else. But I am.. content. So, the words I’ve lost haven’t been completely found, but I have these dreams, I live them as best I can; give them to you as much as I’m able. I wonder if you know just how much. I stare and I dream. I remember and I dream. I find purpose and protection behind walls and I dream…

Unable, or… unwilling to stop.

Moray Mittelalter Fantasy RP


There’s Nights Like These.


Tonight, it’s an unending longing.

I needed something, and there’s nothing, just the echo from a piano somewhere in the distance playing a haunting melody I almost recognize. It’s beautiful, but I am unappreciative. I’m projecting myself out there, on that cliff…. little, alone, feeling abandoned and just longing for someone to come back for me. I’m forced to watch everyone and everything go by because I’m trapped here… not physically, but by my heart.

I don’t lie to myself.

It’s not your fault, it’s not his fault. There are no demands for this, no restrictions. It’s my own doing. My decision. I’m the one who left me there, knowing that nights like this would happen, expecting them, dreading them. Still, I made the only choice I could. Oh, maybe it would be easier if I didn’t care. It’d be nice not to have any attachments…. too late for that now, isn’t it? Tomorrow, when the light shines here, the beauty will be exposed and I’ll forget the pale, ugly, selfish side of me that wishes I was everything. I’ll be grateful to just be SOMETHING again. Deep down I know, even as this night weighs heavily on mind and heart, leaving me lonely and wistful, it’s not as bad as it seems and it’ll be worth it…

When someone does come back for me.

Brand New Colony

There’s a “Secret”


gothic glow

My collar is invisible

A girl carries it in her heart, not around her neck. I can feel it there, even if you never locked it, even if it seems I took it off. If you look.. you’ll find it. I stood here, with you and stared, not out the window, but at you. Finally looking at something near me… not some untouchable, unattainable beautiful thing I could never be a part of. Today I wandered alone and glanced through, thinking about what I’ve learned since I lost my first window.

Memories, like ghosts.

Dancing around my head, the many things I’ve felt, dreamed… hoped, since I began this journey. Some loved, some loathed, some painful to remember. I found friends, held on to lovers, gained, lost… yes lost. Lost so much. Discovered terrible things about myself, beautiful things about others. And my heart. I left it on your pillow, the way I’ve left flowers.

Cracks in the walls.




The Waiting…


Always watching, constantly searching.

I find my time is my own more and more again. It’s always all or nothing, floods or drought… never a peaceful gentle rain that would comfort me, make the world I’ve created blossom. I’ve withdrawn, yes, but cling to you in my heart. I make believe a little and then bury myself in creating, but that’s started to fail me once more and I’m left waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting. Again

For what?

An epiphany? Inspiration? Something to distract me? Yes.. and you. It’s different from before… my waiting is not as empty, because there’s such sweetness in the time we do have… I just wish… there was more. I wish you’d carry me away.. to the ocean, to the mountains, to the swamp, where the sounds of waves crashing, the wind blowing through branches, the insects chirping.. would be the music we dance to.

And time would finally stand still.